Pi. در دنیای ناامنی که میخوام من "ادم خوبه باشم" تا بهم حمله ی مستقیم و غیرمستقیم نشه. نمیگم لجباز است. اگر بگویم بی اعتماد میشود و به سیاه تبدیل میشوم. نمیخواهم "ادم بده" بشوم اخر کاری. اگر بگم لجبازه، کمکی بهش میشه؟گفتم تظاهر کاراش میتونه لجبازانه بنظر برسه. واقعا همم همینطوره. ایا خودم رو گول میزنم؟ایجاد فضای امن برای او در درمان بنظرم برایند جلسات بود. ولی تمام شد. من ادم امن ماندم برایش؟ هنوز شک دارد که میخوام خوب باشم و بهم حمله نشود و برای همین "واقعیت سیاه او" را پنهان میکنم. اصرار میکند جزء تاریک وجودش را بی زینت و تزیین بگویم، میخواهد ثابت کند که من هم با سایر ادم های ریاکار فرقی ندارم. که او را دوست ندارم و مجبوری یا بخاطر پول میشنوم اش. میخواهد طرحواره بی اعتمادی خود را تغذیه کند. و من زیربار نمیروم. ایا واقعا دوستش دارم؟ قسمتی از من او را دوست دارد و قسمتی از من از او واهمه دارد. قسمتی از او دوست داشتنی و قسمتی از او ترسناک است. با بروز شوخ طبعی و داستانهای بامزه و جزء بازیگوش وجودش برایم دوست داشتنی میشود. و با بروز کنترل و اصرار و بی اعتمادی و خشم برایم ترسناک میشود. و اینها را در یک قالب میشود ریخت؟ یک قسمت اسیب پدیر من با قسمت اسیب پذیر او همدردی میکند، طوری که او دوست دارد "خوب و بااخلاق" دیده شود، من هم دوست دارم. و از اینکه این قسمت میتواند نقطه ی کورمان باشد بیزاریم. نقطه ی کوری که واقعیت های تلخ را پنهان میکند. ایا اگر من بپذیرم که او لجباز است، او را تکان میدهم؟ یا او را ناامن میکنم؟ دوست ندارم اسیب ببیند. دوست ندارم اذیت شود. ولی دوست دارم تغییراتی بکند که روابط بین فردی اش بهتر شود. ایا با پذیرش لجبازی روابط فردی بهتر میشود؟ ولی از انور با شعله وری حادامه مطلب

24 مهر 1402 - 1 بامداداز خواب بیدار شدم. هجوم افکار تکانم داد. به مرحله اولای سایکوز نزدیک شدم:) تصویری از معانی از ذهنم عبور کرد. گریه کردم. جشم ها را باید شست جور دیگر باید دید. خودم را غسل دادم.شایان عزیزم. بینهایت دلم برات تنگ شده. دوستی که از طرف تو امد و کلید دری را باز کرد. عشق، پشت در ، سوغاتی ستاره ها بود.افشین عزیزم. به طرز عجیبی بعد از بیدار شدن فهمیدم حروف اسم تو درون حروف شایان است با وجه مشترک عشق. انگار مثل هری پاتر که معنی همه چیز در کنه اتفاقات عشق بود، دوست شایان به عشق او با ما دیدار کرده و سلسله اتفاقات بعد از ان دومینویی بوده که شایان بعد از هشت سال با ریسمان ها بهش رسیده. مثل بین ستاره ای. میان ریسمان ها. در حال بررسی احتمالات. یافتن احتمال وجود عشق. "He would never fosake you Tara".و در انها نشانه هایی است برای دیدن:) میدونم مسخره است ولی توی مرز سایکوز اشکالی نداره:) چقدر احتمال داره افشین اسم تو باشه. مسلما اگه اسمت شایان بود خیلی creepy می شد:)نمیخوام این هدیه رو از دست بدم. فکر کنم خاص بودن قضیه باید به درونم یجوری رسوخ میکرد. که ارزش و قدرتو بفهمم.کوانتوم من.کنارم بمون. نوشته شده در سه شنبه بیست و پنجم مهر ۱۴۰۲ساعت 1:13 توسط soulless| | ادامه مطلب

Hello there, my love. the love I never tasted. the love that was so slippery, a lizard love, disappearing every moment. While I wait for the next time it appears.... waiting and yeaing, feeling needy and lonely, and he doesn't like to converse, I'm there with this enourmous weight of thoughts making my head heavy, and he is not willing to come closer to see things, or to make it a bit less heavy... leaving me insecure, tormenting myself, through this insecure attachment. Till I finally can't hold the weight. He doesn't care, I suppose. why would he behave this way? he is not willing to discuss that... making me crazy, talking with myself searching for a reason, but blank. no response. blank. let it dettach. let the weights fall. Bye. نوشته شده در جمعه سی و یکم شهریور ۱۴۰۲ساعت 15:0 توسط soulless| | ادامه مطلب

نوشته شده در سه شنبه دهم مرداد ۱۴۰۲ساعت 3:6 توسط soulless| |

نوشته شده در شنبه شانزدهم مرداد ۱۴۰۰ساعت 22:37 توسط soulless| |

Now I have his notebook. How to convey words when language is not enough. The little prince as it fits his name, a door that coects two worlds. I compare them a lot. the degree to which we are allowed to show our emotions at work is hard to set.the depth of his eyes, full of different emotions was enough of a body language. laughter, sorrow, confusion and kindness I could see. don't know if my theory of mind capacity can make me understand him or not, I would never know.the climax of the story was in the middle of our rotation. He was a very precise and considerate soul surgeon. Trying not to hurt any coer and release the pain. PTSD, a way to help a great sorrow, a foreign body in the soul. I really felt good when he asked me several questions about the issue, and he guessed as if he was reading my mind. He sure had that theory of mind. and He widens ours. a special person. I sometimes feel he has some sorrow but I never can get close to it. I'm not that precise and considerate. My curiosity is excessive. And I don't want to wrap him with the thread of my questions and make him doubt how to react. Risk taking is what we both lack. I feel like I want to calm him down. A great  pressure on him and he caot stop. He is on a way that he started and now there is no STOP point. I'm not sure if he is happy, but he seems to have existential anxiety and fear of time. Time. Is it scary? My prince, I don't want these days to end, but there are no other ways, I wادامه مطلب

نوشته شده در شنبه بیست و یکم اسفند ۱۴۰۰ساعت 21:0 توسط soulless| |

I miss him, but I guess he doesn't miss me back, don't know what I'm supposed to do so I'm just.... writing. Is this my mind tricking me? why would it? I'd call my mind insane, but it has to know howادامه مطلب

Compliments.

Guys must have evaluated many compliments to at last reach how to make a great compliment to penetrate your heart, a compliment that makes me visualize this:

He lays his hand to my heart, takes it out and bites a piece of it, continues eating the meat till my heart particles travel deep into his flesh.

Focusing on the details of multiple tangles gathered in your brain. too much dust on every tangle. more than a heavy snow on a tree branches. Long time accumulation of unorganized raw feelings and thoughts. Chaotic

The details that sometimes hide and sometimes radiate particles to get your attention. You don't know if they're false memory. Coincidence or Causal. A deadly scenario with the devils within the details. A mind chewing doubt that makes you forget which detail was real. The devil smiles behind a branch and scatters the dust in your flesh and blood while stroking around the branches of neurons.

Are you tuing into his servant?

"Chills

Chills come racing down my spine... like a storm on my skin

With shaking hands, I'll giude your sweet soul into mine... until I feel you within"

I miss him,

We talk, even a bit,

And the feeling sediment, the deposition of my feelings for him on my every single cell fly back to air making a storm within me.

" Like memories in cold decay, Transmissions echoing away, ... Will we bu inside the fires of a thousand suns?" No matter how hard I try to hide it .... it will come back at a time of sorrow. Is theادامه مطلب

"Drink a cup of emptiness

tame the storm, in your head

put a lid on your memories,

fighting darkness, with hollowness"

Mixture of feelings in my head cup, but a certain feeling state ends in a certain memory. Sadness. I avoid reviewing the past. but it entraps me in a coer eventually. I surrender. Tears fall. And I do the same the next time. An endless circle.

"May your love never end

and if you need a friend

there's a seat here alongside me"

To say as much as you want to a friend, and you lessen the pressure by increasing the volume the words are floated in. Yet, it's limited. You wouldn't be absolutely honest, if you were, it would be unpleasant to be revealed.... as in Free association. The pure you is shameful. Pathetic. No matter if you are a narcissist outside or not.

"and I'll hide from the world behind a broken frame

and I'll bu forever I can't face the shame"

It's about the eye. the tones of secrets it holds. you open the eye gate and the feelings flood out, but to hide them you need barriers.

A moment it's all shown in my eyes and then I close the damn dam. he does too. my eyes remain meaningless and cold. with the closed gates holding the enormous feeling flood on the other side. is it humane? shame? shyness? morality?

but then my eye can't bear the pressure, it's stretched, to .... and forms a vitreous hemorrhage.